accept. embrace. live.

This Thanksgiving was the first holiday that I spent as myself. It's also the first time any of my family members have seen me as myself. I was a little nervous about how the weekend was going to go. So on Tuesday I schlepped the kids up to Albany. The visit started inauspiciously... my mom and I didn't get off to a great start... she said something that was very hurtful, and I told her so. She wasn't trying to hurt my feelings... she just doesn't quite understand where I am coming from. We talked about for a couple minutes, and moved on. I know that my mom is trying. She tries to use my name on the phone, and used it in person as well.  We had a couple other good talks over the rest of the trip.  I think we'll get through all this.  I think.

Fortunately, the above was the low point of the weekend. The rest of the weekend was pretty good. I took the kids Wednesday morning to visit with my 91-year old grandmother. She was just thrilled that we came to visit. She was as loving as always, and my kids love "Gigi," as they call her. Gigi suggested that we all go out to lunch, which was nice. She doesn't judge or care... she just loves people. The visit with her alone made the whole trip worthwhile. Go out in public, to a place she's a regular at? Sure, who cares? It was me, my kids, and her. Some of the least judgmental people in my life. A 91-year old, a 3-year old, and a 5-year old. Not surprising, I suppose.

Thanksgiving was fun... my mom had 17 people for dinner.  I had dressy pants on at first and felt uncomfortable, like the classic overdressed transgender stereotype.  So I changed into jeans.  Much better.  The holiday didn't feel any different to me than any of my previous 38 Thanksgivings.  I wasn't treated differently. People tried to use my name and a couple apologized when they didn't. I told them that I was glad that they were trying.  I didn't hold back much with my appearance... I visited this summer and was very androgynous-looking.  This trip, I made sure to say "girl" with my presentation. My daughter took this picture of me. Pretty good for a 5-year old. It took a couple tries, but we got a good shot.  Friday we went over to my Dad's (parents are divorced) and spent time with his side of the family.  My Dad, as many fathers do, didn't have much to say/ask about my transition, etc.  Not because he is avoiding it... that's just him.  We've never talked much.  I got pretty much exactly what I expected I would from both of my parents.

Got home today, dropped the kids off, went out to the store and got something for dinner.  I couldn't help but notice how alone I felt.  It was a little depressing at first... being around so many people all weekend, then dropping off the kids and coming back to such quiet.  The first two or three hours after getting back from a trip with them (the kids), I just want to relax.  Then I start missing them.  My son and I slept in the same room this week, he on a little cot, me in the bed.  When he woke up, he'd come over to me, wake me up with a kiss, and cuddle with me.  As a parent, you treasure those moments.  Even if you wish they were at 7 AM, instead of 5:30.  I got 8½ hours sleep last night for the first time all week, but I'd trade it for 6 and a wake-up from my 3-year old.

I noticed the monotone voice I used in my head above when I wrote about this holiday not feeling any different.  I had this same tone in my head when I wrote about work not feeling any different.  On the surface, this seems like a good thing.  But I didn't like how things felt for the past 30 years.  A topic for another day.  For a first visit with family, things were alright.