So for years and years, probably 15 or so, ever since I was aware of its' existence, I've wanted to try HRT. Have been talking about it with my therapist for the last couple of appointments, and talked about it a lot last night. It's a big decision in the sense that changes a lot of things, but it doesn't seem like a hard decision. I know 100%, that if I never try HRT, to see if it is right for me, I will always regret it. And that's not to say that I am considering it an experiment. I would be stunned if somehow I felt worse on hormones. I want all the mental and physical changes that come along with them... I believe that it will help mitigate this brain vs. body disconnect that I have. The internal debate, the thing that has been holding me back, is "how will this effect my relationships with other people?" And that's a question I can't answer, and even if I could, I don't think it would change my ultimate decision on this.
I asked her if she thought there was anything else I needed to think about, or another place I needed to get to, before she thought I was "ready." She mentioned a couple of situations that I'd need to figure out how to handle, but nothing in terms of readiness. Which means if at the next appointment, if I ask for the letter, I'll get it. With the Xmas holidays coming up, my next appointment isn't for a month. Which will give me a month to really make sure this is what I want.
I left and the last thing I said was, "well, I have a month to consider this... I can't imagine what would change," and she said, "well, I can't, either." I'm fairly certain right now, that it is. I drove home from my appointment with a very warm and happy feeling last night, was kind of hard to describe. I think I could have asked for the letter last night... but there is no need to rush. She's worked with literallly hundreds of TG people in various stages... if she didn't think it was a good idea for me, she wouldn't be giving me this letter.
By the time I actually start taking them, wouldn't be surprised if it was at least two or three months, with doc appointments and all. But it's pretty exciting.
Was on another site this morning, where someone had posted a link to a news article where a boy did something unspeakable to a young girl, and the boy's father then did something unspeakable to the boy. I read the vitrolic comments posted to the thread, and felt tired. This news story made me feel nothing but sadness for all parties involved in the situation, and made me wonder what all the posters to the thread were gaining, by expressing such anger about it.
I started thinking about this feeling of tiredness I got from reading those angry posts, and anger in general. I think it is fair to say, that I've been an angry person most of my life. I can recall many moments where reacted to things in a very over-the-top, angry way. I recall an old boss at work asking me, "why are you always so ANGRY?" I'm going through a divorce, and have been carrying around a lot of anger about her, things she's done or not done, etc., for the past year and a half, at least. I am tired of being angry with my STBX. It doesn't do me, nor the children, nor her, any good. I'm tired of anger, in general.
I never really connected it to anything gender-related, until recently. It's not that I think of anger as a masculine thing, that I am letting go of because I am exploring the feminine. Anger is neither a masculine nor a feminine trait, to me.
For me, what it is all about, is the built-up anger of having an imbalanced body and brain for 30+ years. It builds and builds inside you, eating away at you, although you don't even realize it. And then your aunt contradicts you on something you asked the kids to do, in front of the kids, and you explode at her, in front of the entire family... exacerbating the situation, embarrassing yourself. and doing nothing whatsoever to make you feel any better. I remember being so enraged and worked-up over this, that my hands were literally shaking.
Now that I am exploring gender in a healthy way, and allowing myself to be myself, it is affording me the opportunity to let all that anger go. It is a wonderful feeling/realization to have. To be certain, I'm sure I will have my moments, as one doesn't change from an angry person to a calm, level-headed person overnight... but as my brain and my body get closer to that elusive balance I seek, those moments of rage will dissipate.
Went to the GIG in Baltimore last night... got dressed at home, drove up there as Faline. I took a couple pictures at home, many of which I were very pleased with, and in fact, is my avatar here. First picture I've taken that I looked at, and actually thought I looked kind of pretty. That gave me a little boost of confidence, going up there, meeting all new people. A couple I had talked to on PE, or seen at MAGIC, but no one I really knew. I kept looking at myself in the vanity mirror on the way up, and I really liked the way I look. For better or for worse, the appearance thing is important to me.
Anyway, I enjoyed the group... seemed much less heavy than the other group that I have attended... I will definitely be going back. I even contributed a little bit. I felt welcomed and accepted. Didn't expect otherwise, but nonetheless, a good feeling. The group goes out to dinner afterwards at a place a few blocks away. So we all walk over and are chatting, head into the place, sit down, chat a little more, and all of a sudden it occurs to me, that this is the first time I've been out in public with my wig, as Faline.
And it didn't really feel any different, or strange, or self-conscious, or anything. The first group I attended en femme, I felt like I was pretending to be something or someone I was not... didn't feel that way at all last night. It felt like "me," which was terrific. Something which at times so far, has been elusive in this process. After the meeting, many of the group went to dance, but I had a good ride back to VA, and it was well past midnight, so I headed out. Next time I'll go to the Hippo, or whatever it is, and wear something a little cuter. maybe even a skirt.
I can't wait to go out again. My feeling is that the more I go out, the more I will want to go out, as I get more and more comfortable with my presentation. When I get the voice stuff taken care of, it could be game over.
I *think* that's a good thing.
P.S. I didn't wear my purple pants and sweater. I think I need to bag the turtleneck sweaters... I definitely wear them to hide things. I am tired of hiding things.
This website I'm on, most of the posts from the girls are so philosophical, so heavy, many negative... I get tired of that. I come to my blog and read it over, and although not negative, it is so pensive and heavy. Part of this journey is supposed to be fun!! Or, most of it. I'll go through the same thoughts time and time again in my head, and get nowhere. It's stupid. It's a waste of time and energy. I'm going to take a break from thinking so much about stuff, trying to "figure things out..." and for a little while just try to enjoy things. So there.
Tonight am going to a meeting up in Baltimore, afterwards there's dinner and perhaps some club afterwards. Not so sure about the club, but I'm doing to dinner. I was told that if you go to the club, it means you are out until 2 AM, which means I wouldn't get home until 3:30-ish. and that's a little late for this chica. Anyway, I'm going to girl it up, I'm going to try to look as pretty as I can, and going to be me and enjoy myself. I am going to wear my purple sweater and cords. Yay for purple pants!! :P
I might even put a picture of myself up here and maybe an avatar. Kinda waiting to do that until the shadow is less noticeable, but we'll see how I look.
In therapy the other night, my therapist said a few things that make me think the she thinks I am a transsexual, or am going to transition. A couple examples.
- she encouraged me to start working on a letter to my sister... I've expressed a couple times that I want to talk to her about this, but don't know what I'd say that I *am*.
- she encouraged me to suggest to a great friend (who knows) that she call me Faline.
- I said something about my kind-of-changing appearance & my family and she said something like, "well, they are seeing a beautiful woman."
I can't tell if she is encouraging me in these ways because she thinks it would be good for me to explore, or because in the few sessions we've had, she thinks that I am at heart, a trans woman. I'm scared that she thinks I am a trans woman, and I'm more scared that she's right. Fuck.
Obviously I need to discuss this with her... the thing is, all those things above... I like. I like the idea of sharing this with my sister, and I like the idea of friends calling me Faline, but at the same time, am terrified to do either of them, and don't want to be pushed into doing them, before I am ready. Once I cross that line with my sister, I can't ever take it back... regardless of where this ends up, it'll always be out there.
Thinking and wondering... do I really have gender identity disorder? Let's see. The diagnostic criteria are...
1. Strong and persistent cross-gender identification
Been cross-dressing in one way, shape or form since I was 6. It has ebbed and flowed, but it has been pretty much a constant in my life. And at times, it has been very strong. Check.
2. Persistent discomfort about one's assigned sex or a sense of inappropriateness in the gender-role of that sex
I've always felt more comfortable around women. I don't think I've ever really felt like one of the guys. My close friends have pretty much all been women. When, especially lately, I am around guys sharing "war stories" about women, the first thought that comes to my mind is "Pigs." Discomfort? Perhaps. I have a discomfort with my male body. I don't hate it, but there are things I'd like to change about it. Personality-wise, I kind there is some discomfort in the fact that I can't really "let myself go," like restraining certain innate characteristics. Check, kind of.
3. The diagnosis is not made if the individual has a concurrent physical intersex condition.
I don't have Kleinfelter's, nor am I a hermaphrodite. Check.
4. Clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
This one is hard to say. I don't think I can honestly say I've ever felt 100% happy, or content. I definitely think there have been times where I have isolated myself because of this... the gender stuff definitely impacted the dissolution (albeit indirectly) of my marriage. There were many times when I would wait for my wife to fall asleep and I'd then sneak out of the house and go driving cross-dressed... end up getting only 2-3 hours of sleep, for example. I ran up about $20,000 in credit card debt when I first started working, mostly by buying women's clothing, purging, and repeating. There have been times when I have been obsessed with gender stuff. In college, during Senior Week, my friends all lived in townhouses, I lived in the dorms. During that week, all the underclassmen were gone and I was literally the only one in the dorm. I didn't go to any Senior Week stuff... I isolated myself in the dorm and cross-dressed all week. I've done some things that I am not very proud of, trying to express this other side of me... in a way that is not healthy. Not sure if any or all of this is "clinically significant distress," or not.
Might be a case where the whole is greater than the sum of its' parts. Meaning when I look back at all the crap in my life caused by this, I think it is significant. Check?
So, I am pretty sure that I have GID. Like, 90% sure.
Taking the kids to visit the family from Thurs-Mon. in NY. I'm in Virginia and see my family 4-5 times a year, probably. I would really like to talk to my sister about all this. She knows that I've had gender issues before, but I suspect she thinks they are in the past. But, I really don't know. I want to confide in her, but I'm not really sure exactly what I would confide, since I really haven't figured anything out. I don't know how she'd react. I mentioned something to her along these lines about 10 years ago, and her response was that she didn't know if her husband could or would want to see me "like that." But, things change over 10 years' time... you never know. I've also mentioned stuff like this to my Mom and Dad, also about 10 years ago. Mom's response was that she didn't know if she could see me like that, and Dad's was that I'd still be his child, and that he'd still love me. 1 out of 3 isn't bad, I guess.
I guess.
I wonder if they will perceive that I act any differently. One of my female friends, who knows, said she's noticed more feminine hand gestures, etc., lately with me. Well, whether or not I do talk to my sister about it, this will be on my mind all weekend. Being with family... wondering what it would be like, or how many of them would still want to be around me... if I did decide to transition.
I think that every time I go up there now, I'm going to think, "this could be the last non-fucked up visit I have with my family."
Well, I am going up at Xmas, and I wouldn't come out to them then, so many this could be the penultimate non-fucked up visit. :)
Went as a cat for Halloween. A GG friend of mine and I decided to be cats together... matching makeup/ears/tail/fishnets. Fun. Last year I went en femme for Halloween, but hated it, since I didn't really want anyone to know about my other side... so I chose something that looked ridiculous, orange wig, bad makeup... looked awful. This year my goal was to actually look cute. And I think I succeeded... when another friend of mine showed up, her first reaction when she saw me was, "who's that new girl?" Then she realized who the cat was and she told me over and over what a beautiful woman I made, I was hot, etc. Got lots of compliments on my hair.
Last year, it was very obvious that I was a guy doing a caricature of a woman. This year, although still pretty obvious, most people looked at me, and I could tell they weren't sure at first. So that was pretty cool. I didn't get the sense that any of my friends suspected anything. But then again, they probably wouldn't have let on, if they did. Somehow though, I suspect I wanted people to wonder, or even "figure stuff out." I mean, c'mon people. That wig looked GOOD on me... do you really think I got it at a Halloween store? :)
I read some transwoman's blog last night where she said something like, and I am paraphrasing here... something like you're really only a transsexual if you feel like your only choice is "doing the change" or death. Like, unless you want to kill yourself if you can't live as a woman, you're really not a transsexual.
If that's the truth, I am not a transsexual. I'm not like this unhappy miserable person, I'm really not. I think this thing is holding me back from being as happy as I can be, or living to my full potential, or something. But I'm nowhere close to, nor have ever been, close to contemplating suicide. I've been a little depressed from time to time, but that's pretty much it.
I just read another tgirl's online diary of her hair removal process... she started with laser, a good amount of it grew back, then she went to e3000. and from the looks of it, her beard (her beard? weird to say that) was much less than mine. the woman who did my laser consult, I said something like, "and I have a heavy beard," and her eyes got all wide, and she was like, "um, yeah."
depressing. maybe if I just set my face on fire, the hair will go away.
don't worry, I am not considering setting my face on fire. although when I was in my early 20s, I went through a period, it only lasted maybe 3 or 4 months, where I did the self-harm thing. I haven't done, and have no plans to, do anything like that again.
And I am just dealing with all this now, around 15 years later.
Sheesh.
I just reread some of these posts and they all seem so heavy. I need to go get my nails done, or buy a cute pair of boots or something, and post about them. Maybe I'll go get an eyebrow wax and a French manicure next week. Have always wanted that.
Way too pensive lately!
5?... tried on a dress for the first time
7-18... snuck around trying on things of whatever female I happened to be around. I remember wearing women's stuff under my clothes to the mall, to play video games with friends, when I was 11. crossdressing took on almost a fetishistic quality for me. Parents found "stuff" in my drawers once, and I was told to "get rid of that shit." I remember sneaking out of the house at age 8 in the middle of the night, wearing a dress, being terrified that I'd be caught. This middle-of-the-night nonsense continued for 30 years.
college... more dressing up, 99% of the time stuff that no woman would wear in public.
early/mid 20s... first time on my own... at times now would dress up in normal clothes, go out to do things like get gasoline at night, once or twice go into 7-11 and buy something in heels and a skirt. cut and burned myself, still have quite a few scars. First time I heard about transitioning and transsexuals was with the advent of the Internet, when I was in grad school, around 23. Found it intriguing. Started seeing a therapist, who put me on progesterone, diagnosed me as a sex addict. Guess what. It didn't work. Binge. Purge. Repeat. Speaking of sexual things... didn't lose my virginity until I was 27. Yeah, a real sex addict. I remember when the blessed event happened, we had gone to NYC to see some musical. My therapist asked me what the best part of the weekend was, and I answered, "Seeing the musical." (Really confused look on therapists face) "Better than sex???" "Yup." Hmmm, somehow that doesn't fit the diagnosis. Sex addicts generally don't prefer musicals to sex, and cut and burn themselves. People who hate their bodies, do.
late 20s/early 30s... seriously considering that there might be more to this than meets the eye. had an electrolysis consult, saw two different gender therapists... told a close friend about electrolysis, she asked, "what about your masculine side?" I replied, "I don't think I want a masculine side." Wasn't ready to do anything about it. placed an ad on the internet looking for a female friend who wouldn't have mind having a friend who crossdressed. met her, started dating, once in a while we'd have a "kat night," where I'd dress up and we'd hang out. was fun. we ended up getting married.
mid 30s... marriage/kids... once the kids came, everything about her changed. the gender stuff returned to stashed-away bags of clothes in the basement, and when the wife and kids would go visit family, would be a mad binge of dressing. the first thing I did one time when they went on a trip, right after work, I headed straight to the mall, do not pass GO, do not collect $200, and bought clothes.
separation. When I immediately got separated, about 2 years ago, the first thing I did after I left the house, was go to Target, buy some women's clothing, put it on, go to the hotel, and drink. Had a period where I expressed the feminine side of myself in unhealthy ways, doing bad things. had a wakeup call a little while into that, where I realized I needed (and wanted) to stop doing that sort of thing.
present-day. started going to places like the mall, the grocery store, presenting as a male, but wearing women's clothing, makeup, etc. Liked it and had fun with it. A much healthier way to express myself. Even have gone and done swim workouts wearing a women's swimsuit. A few times. No sexual thing, or thrill, behind it. I don't even know why I've done that. But it felt more or less normal to me.
Got my ears pierced a little while ago. That was kind of a trigger for me. Decided to start seeing therapist and get facial hair removed. I almost less desire to do go to the mall and presenting as a male wearing women's clothing. Might be because I can't get a good shave with this post-laser-bumpiness-and-pepperspots, but I think and fear there is more to it than that. The sexual component of this is gone, totally gone. The want to wear leather miniskirts, lingerie, stuff from Frederick's of Hollywood (which is cheaply made crap, by the way), which was what this was all about years ago, is gone. Now, I'd rather shop at Ann Taylor, or Nordstrom. Not that I can afford either one of those, so I am relegated to Kohl's. But before, where I would have in years past wanted a pair of those liquid leggings, or those shiny boots, now I want something that looks nice, or cute. Something a typical woman would wear.
I don't want to be a guy who has a fetish for women's clothing, and I moved past that.
I don't want to be a closted crossdresser, and I moved past that.
I don't want to be a non-closeted crossdresser... meet with friends pretending to be a woman for a precious evening. Never really did that.
I don't think I want to be a guy who does things, acts like, and wears things normally reserved for women. I don't want to be and am not a "metrosexual." I am pretty close to being past that, I think.
A friend asked me what I'd do, if society, family, friends, money, none of those were issues. I know what I'd do. And the reader probably does, as well.
But... all those things are issues. Do I want it enough... am I really female enough, to have the commitment and to do this? It doesn't matter that I wish I was, and want to be a woman. What matters more is, am I a woman? I have no idea how to figure that out.
I can't honestly look myself in the mirror right now and say that I am a female on the inside. But, the only reason I can look at myself, and honestly say that I am a male, is because I have the body of one. Said body which I want to be less and less male. I don't want to have the body of a male. I really don't.
but who do I have the mind of? that is what matters.
so much rambling.
So lately, pretty much 100% of the time when I'm not at work, I am thinking about this. Reading stuff on the internet, about voice, hair removal, hormones... thinking about potential conversations with family... thinking about what it would be like to have a GNO with my sister... on and on. I've gone through periods like this before... the last one was about 8 years ago. At that time, I had an electrolysis consult with AHA and talked to a couple of therapists... but never followed up. Guess I wasn't ready to. And now, I am so impatient. I want my facial hair off now. I want my next appt. with Martha to be now. I want to take my next TG step now. I want to (although I won't yet) start hormones now. I feel like I've wasted enough time in life... the more I read others' stories of where they were and where they are now, I see more and more parallels to myself. And it excites, and scares me a little bit, at the same time.
But then as I sit here watching the Yanks, and getting all pissed off because Mariano just made a critical error, which actually just happened as I was typing this, I think to myself, how can I be female? How do I even know what it means to be female? At times it seems preposterous. I wonder if I will ever experience that moment or revelation... when it becomes clear to me that I am supposed to do X, or Y. Or should I say XX/XY. :)
Speaking of hair removal, I was thinking that I'd go through this course of laser, which will be over around the beginning of April, and then maybe do E3000. I don't want to spend 3 years on facial hair removal.
I told my best female friend the other night, that I had attended a TG support group... she was fairly surprised... asked me if I wanted to be a girl. I told her that I just didn't know, but maybe. Her boyfriend was also there... he is a live and let live kind of guy, and he honestly wouldn't care one way or the other. I actually thought that Michelle might be a little more freaked out about it or something, but she wasn't. She was genuinely concerned about me. I had to laugh... she asked me if I wanted to have boobs, and I gave her an emphatic "yes." And that's the truth. I want 'em, I really do. We talked about it for a while... then we (yes, we) went to the bathroom, leaving Scott at the bar. I laughed and was like, "see, we're going to the bathroom together!" Well, we walked to the bathroom together, anyway.
How can I want to have breasts, and not know if I want to be a male or a female? What.Is.Up.With.That.
enough randomness for one night.
I had my first laser treatment this past Thursday... it wasn't as bad as I expected. I think the worst part was the anticipation of each pulse. To be certain, each pulse hurt, pretty sharp, like a pinpoint stabbing. But I got through it OK. The neat part (at least for tonight) is that the laser kind of vaporizes what hair is right under the skin, so I don't have a shadow right now! Love that. Gillian was great... didn't go too fast, took breaks when I needed to... am very glad I went to AHA.
What I wasn't prepared for or anticipating, was my reaction while I was driving home. I started thinking, "wow, I am really doing this..." and got all emotional. I bawled pretty much the whole way home, 45 mins. I kept getting this vision of my male self smiling and waving, and kind of fading away and it really got to me. I don't dislike him. He is funny, athletic, smart, a good person, albeit a little angry at times. If this goes where it might, I am sure I will mourn the loss of him... I think maybe I was doing a little of that tonight. Even when I typed that I got a little choked up. But I think the emotion validated what I am doing. I will be very interested to talk with my therapist about this.
And last night was the first support group meeting I've attended... MAGIC DC... I'm not sure what to make of it. Was mostly people who are a LOT further along in the process, and I didn't quite feel that I fit in. And much of it was very "heavy," and philosophical... a lot of very abstract talk about gender... and where I am right now isn't really that. Many seemed very serious, pensive... I know that being transgender is a serious thing, but I don't want to get "scared off." Fortunately, Dana came, a little late, and lightened things up a bit... she made one comment that it'd be good if people focused on positive things, which I loved hearing, but there wasn't much response from the group on it. I'll probably give it another chance though. Not so sure about going out to eat though, not at least until I am a little more comfortable with my appearance.
Perhaps TGEA might be a little more for me. The problem with TGEA is, that their meetings are on Saturday nights, and I have the kiddos every other weekend, so I'd pretty much be able to attend only half of the meetings. But that's not really a valid reason not to attend.
And lastly, my new wig. I finally got a wig... and it just doesn't feel all that natural to me right now. I took a couple pictures and it looks kind of cute, but I think I'll be more comfy in it when I have more of the beard off and have a little more makeup practice. The wig in and of itself didn't make me feel more like myself. Perhaps later. I'd just prefer to have my own hair, thank you very much. I haven't cut it in almost 2 months, which means it is.... all of an inch long now. *sigh*... I don't intend to cut it for a while, though. It'd be good if I could get it to the point where it was a little androngynous.
So I joined this website called PINKessence... kind of a Facebook for TG people. I'm not sure how much I like the site itself... lots of the posts are so philosophical... many are so negative... right now about this I seem more practical-minded than many of the people there. I will stick with it for a while. I enjoyed meeting Dana last week... need to be careful that as I explore, I do it at my pace. One thing a friend said to me in an email was. "... well, in two years they all (family and friends) will see you as you are meant to be seen..." whoa!! Getting ahead of ourselves there. I also picked a name, just to fit in on this site... Jennifer... don't know if it is me, or what... but I don't like doing things like picking a name, just to fit in.
I had an appointment last week for a wig... I found one I liked... we ordered it in another color, when it comes in I'll go pick one!! Am looking forward to putting it on, makeup, to see what it looks like... hopefully I will like what I see. Have an appointment tonight with Martha, Thursday is my first facial laser hair removal... Friday is a support group meeting. So hopefully a good week.
Had a consultation today for facial hair removal... down in Old Town. It went pretty well, and I think I am going to do it. We will be doing one treatment every six weeks, plus a free touchup around the lips/chin area three weeks after each main treatment. The total cost of the package is $1500, which seems reasonable from other checking around I've done. And we will supplement it with electrolysis... I have a consultation at another place on Monday which is a little closer... but I did feel pretty comfortable at AHA. I will weigh everything and pick one. It is going to be a long process.
After my consultation, I did a little shopping in Old Town... bought my first piece of "real" jewelry... a silver chain with a blue Labradorite pendant... I think it looks nice on. Loved the look of the chain laying against my skin. I can't do this very often, though. Money is going to be at a premium over the next few years, and I need to be smart.
Am meeting a TG friend today that my counselor introduced me to. Should be interesting.
Ha... so I just got my ears pierced a little over a week ago. My family doesn't know the real reason behind it, but I told them about it and they were all cool with it. In fact, today from my Mom in the mail, I got a pair of diamond studs that she doesn't wear too much anymore. I can't try them yet because I need to leave my original earrings in for two months, but that's pretty cool!!
So I've been cross-dressing in one way, shape, or form since about age 6... dressing in secret at home, or the occasional shopping trip in my version of "en femme" doesn't seem to be enough. I've accepted the fact that I am more than "just a crossdresser," but I don't know what that more is. So now at age 38 (!) I feel that I'm ready and willing to really explore it. Actually, it's not that I am willing to explore it... I really want to explore it! I got my ears pierced about a week ago... had an appointment with a gender therapist about a week ago, and I think the next step I will take is facial hair removal. I have a couple consultations scheduled with places in the area... will get an idea of cost, and hopefully pick one.
When I look back at my life, I don't think I've ever really been happy, or content. I've not been really unhappy... as I described to my therapist, I don't necessarily feel like a "woman trapped in a man's body," but I have always felt unsettled. All the things that I see as major problems or issues in my life... smoking, trouble with relationships, incurring lots of debt... this sometimes very angry side of me... I can trace it all back to this. I think that allowing myself to explore this in a healthy way will be a good thing for me.
Am I a woman? Am I a guy who likes to appear feminine? Am I neither? I really have no idea right now. But dressing in secret, participating in anonymous online forums, going out to the store or shopping while making no attempt to hide the fact I'm male, won't help me figure things out. I need to run with this for now and see where it goes... and deal with things as they come, or don't.
